YOSEMITE SAM UNCENSORED!

From Mountain Man Dance Moves: The McSweeney’s Book of Lists (2006):

THINGS THIS ONE GIRL SITTING NEAR ME IN A MOVIE THEATER SAID OUT LOUD WHEN ONE OF THE CHARACTERS WAS SHOWN PULLING INTO A GAS STATION by Conley Wouters

“Oh, he’s going to stop for gas.”

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CINEMATIC EXPRESSIONS OF INNER SELF-LOATHING IF THERE WERE NO MIRRORS TO SMASH by Ross Murray

Junkie jazz singer sees self in back of spoon; uses telekinetic powers to bend it until it snaps in two.

Actress who clawed her way to the top catches reflection in pond; uses nearby backhoe to drain pond.

Woman who married for wealth rather than love looks at photo on driver’s license; goes to DMV to ask for new photo.

Politician who has forsaken his grassroots values discovers potato in shapes of own head; mashes it.

Burned-out rock star looks down at himself during out-of-body experience; refuses to go back into body “until we start seeing some changes around here, mister.”

Aging supermodel has plaster cast made of face; backs over it in SUV.

Alcoholic author looks at reflection in a tumbler of Scotch; drinks Scotch; pours another to see if he looks any better in this one.

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REJECTED BOND GIRLS by Rebecca Waits

Chlamydia Johnson

Pussy Notsomuch

Gloria Abortion

Incestua

Plenty O’Hep

Jenny Arthritis

S’phyllis

Star Jones

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IF YOSEMITE SAM’S CURSES WERE CONSIDERED REAL PROFANITY AND WERE DUBBED OVER FOR TELEVISION IN THE SAME CLUMSY, UNCONVINCING MANNER AS 1980s R-RATED MOVIES by Martin Bell

Original Version: Get outta there, you rassa-frassin’ fur-bearin’ critter!
Censored Version: Get outta there, you wrestle-freezing, forebearing creature!



Original: Ya no-account, bushwhackin’ barracuda!
Censored: Ya NorCal, tush-spankin’ barracuda!

Original: Great horny toads! I done dug myself clean to Chinee!
Censored: Great happy toads! I done dug myself clean to—Is this Asia?

Original: Cut the cards. Not that way, you idjit!
Censored: Cut the cards. Not that way, you widget!

Original: Now, you racka-frackin’ carrot-chewin’ varmint, get a-goin’!
Censored: Now, ya really freaky, parrot-screwin’ charmer, get a-goin’!
Recensored: Now, ya rack of funky, garrote-spewin’ varnish, get a-goin!

Original: Listen here, galoot! I’m the rootinest, tootinest outlaw in this here West!
Censored: Listen here! Salud! I’m the fresh ‘n’ fruitiest outlaw in this here West!

Original: If they make me jump off that diving board one more motherfuckin’ time, I swear to God—How many takes could they possibly need?!
Censored: Oooooooh! I hates rabbits!

Censored: Consarn it!
Censored: Daaaaaaayum!

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