Sunday, June 24, 2007

THIS BLOG UNSUITABLE FOR THOSE UNDER 17

So here I am, up early on a Sunday morning, sitting in my parents' house in Southern Oregon, basking in the afterglow of an incident-free, upbeat and enjoyable 30th high school reunion, and I decided to do a little surfing before I take my daughters out for a swim at the local park. I made my way over to the Shamus' digs, and after reading his latest post on the new Traveling Wilburys collection ("At its best, The Traveling Wilburys was a labor of love, and a lesson that all art doesn't have to be overthought and overwrought"), I scrolled down and found out that Bad for the Glass had been rated "R" by someone or other, and there was an invitation to click on the icon to find out what my own blog would be rated.

Of course, this was an invitation I could not resist. Thanks, Shamus! It turns out that Sergio Leone and the Infield Fly Rule has had the following rating attached:

Online Dating

Whoa! Me and Henry and June, Showgirls, Cronenberg's Crash, The Dreamers and six or seven other movies (not including Hostel Part II) since the rating was established in 1990.

But what I liked were the criteria for slapping my blog with such a harsh and forbidding certificate:

"This rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:

Gun (5x) Dead (4x) Porn (3x) Dyke (1x)"

So mentioning George A. Romero movies or Kim Morgan's blog or that controversial tag recently coined and applied to a certain variety of gruesome horror films has garnered me an NC-17. Or was it that darned Mary Poppins post, in which I dared mention the name of Julie Andrews' chimney-sweeping co-star, that tipped me from a hard "R" to the land of no-advertising-in-family-newspapers? (What am I supposed to do if I can't advertise in family newspapers?)

I guess I could go back and make the necessary cuts, but that would tarnish my artistic integrity. I'll just have to count on my readership to distinguish this blog and its contents from association with the kind of material that once ruined the "X". You know... p-o-r-n. Whatever. I invite anyone and everyone, including zombies, smut peddlers and arms-bearing lesbians into the fold, and I look forward to somehow living up to my newfound notoriety. NC-17 and proud!

17 comments:

Steve said...

Apparently, one can use the phrases "facial pop shot," "jerking off into their own mouths" and "exploding dick beef" whilst still landing an R rating. Good to know.

Dennis Cozzalio said...

Yeah, I guess it's comforting to know that this ratings board has as many peculiarities and inconsistencies asthe real world MPAA. Did you really get only a "R"? That's truly amazing!

Neil Sarver said...

I managed to get by with the an "R" as well. It seems that "gun" is a real killer, so to speak.

pacheco said...

I feel so un-edgy: I got a G, even with stuff like "torture" and "porn"!

Peet Gelderblom said...

Negative Space is rated R, as well. I guess drawings don't count, even if they feature decapitated actresses spurting gallons of blood.

Good thing I never published that "Bodies I love" draft, though...

Moviezzz said...

I'm PG.

Thanks for the link though, that is kind of fun.

Peter Nellhaus said...

WTF, I'm rated "G". I guess I'm not trying very hard, but then again, this is based on my choice of words and not some of the screengrabs I've posted.

Damian said...

I'm a "G" as well. Dang!

I mean, I always intended for my blog to be "family-friendly" but I was hopeing at least for a PG or preferably a PG-13.

Dennis Cozzalio said...

Peet: That Katherine Heigl profile alone should have gotten you the NC-17. As for your cartoons, well, you know that violence gets a lot more leeway than sex does!

Peter: Your subject matter should have grabbed you at least a PG-13. I don't get it.

Though, Damian, I think it's obvious that to snare that PG-13 for Windmills you need only post a picture of the cult leader holding out the freshly ripped-out, still-beating heart from Temple of Doom in your upcoming Spielberg project!

I think it's obvious that, somewhere in hyperspace, the spirit of Jack Valenti lives on.

Bob Turnbull said...

I was somewhat crestfallen that I only managed a PG rating. So I created a new post with a completely innocuous paragraph containing all of Dennis' very bad words (and the same number of them).

After rescanning, I'm now the proud owner of an NC-17 as well (though it didn't pick up the 'Dyke' from Dick Van Dyke for some reason). Now all the cool kids will want to read me...

Brian said...

I've got a curse word in the title of my blog and still don't rate worse than a PG. That's not too surprising, as I'm usually a pretty "PG" kind of guy in real life, but it is a little embarrassing, and makes me wonder if it counts as some kind of false advertising. Surely so, at least for the googlers who find my blog through what statcounter.com indicates are my most popular search terms: "virgin" and "Showgirls rape"

Sal said...

Dennis, did you actually say "real world MPAA?" What real world do they live in?

Campaspe said...

Mine was only Rated R, which I didn't find nearly as amusing as the hits I get from search engines marked "Vera-Ellen nude" or "Jane Russell tits." I once posted about how the anorexic dancer always took out her contact lenses before she weighed herself in the nude. The Russell er, hits are from my reprinting Robert Mitchum's defense of her talent: "She endures ... Lots of ladies have big tits." Anyway, guess there are a lot of disappointed codgers in the Shady Rest Nursing Home Internet cafe when they happen upon my merely R-rated blog.

Evan T. Burchfield said...

I got an R for the usage of the words abortion, vagina, and zombie. To tell you the truth, I don't really recall using the word vagina ever - I should probably reread my own blog.

Hope you're enjoying Southern Oregon! Weather's great right now.

Chris Stangl said...

I am delighted to have been rated "G" despite constant posting about hardcore pornography, splatter movies, John Waters and Grand Theft Auto. Because it's OK as long as you don't swear. Even though, uh, I write swear words all the time.

Ryland Walker Knight said...

Vinyl Is Heavy got an NC-17, too. I guess we's a bunch of potty-mouthed louts. Or, I am, since the others don't really post that often (hardly ever). Oh well. Guess I'm proud. And that's why I wrote this on The House's thread (well, that, and, as Mr. Uhlich surmised, I've finally taken the _Deadwood_ plunge):

Mingle.com -- what a cocksucker. That motherfucker wouldn't know anything if it weren't for us holy goddamned dudes out here, busting our asses, blistering our dick-swingers (or clit-twitchers) and -- on the fucking whole -- bettering cocksuckers' media understanding the bloody world over, one asshole at a time.

Matt dared us in the lead link editorial note to use "cocksucker" and "motherfucker" as pronouns... I just thought I'd meet the challenge.

lucas mcnelly said...

I got a PG, which so totally sucks because it means that my blog is something that I wouldn't watch unless it got really good reviews.

I think maybe I'll add a post with all sorts of crazy shit and hide it with an old date...this PG just won't do