TRUE LIES AND TRUE CONFESSIONS

So, what did you do this weekend?

Well, what I did was take advantage of the fact that my next class doesn’t until tomorrow and use my free time to compile the very best of Professor Irwin Corey’s Spring Break Quiz (originally sprung way back on March 15!). Little did I know that, because of the wealth of excellent and hilarious responses, it would be such a massive, time-consuming undertaking. But here I am, at 1:00 a.m. on Monday morning, finally ready to edit the final version for publication this week, and at 58 single-spaced pages I’m going to have to dole this one out in four parts. But trust me, it’ll be fun to read! Look for it as early as Tuesday. Great bathroom reading if nothing else!

Until then, before I settle in for a short summer’s snooze, I wanted to briefly answer the eight questions posed in the previous post as to their truth or falsehood. There is a reason this post is called “True Lies and True Confessions," and that reason is that every entry is either entirely true or built around a nugget of truth, but some ain't exactly all true. I am here to guide you through the nettles to a deeper understanding. Let’s go.

1) Absolutely 100% true, Cinephile! I’m glad to know there’s at least one other benign obsessive out there. And Flower, I suppose I could get a count, but I’m not that obsessive. Here’s a look, if you don’t believe me.



(Click on images to get a closer look.)

2) A tall tale built around a half-interesting nugget of reality. I did indeed see a triple feature of Robocop, Full Metal Jacket and Platoon not long before the Pickwick Drive-in (its correct name) on Alameda Avenue in Burbank closed in the late ‘80s. So that’s a truth mixed with an inadvertent lie, otherwise known as a cerebral hiccup. As for that surly insistence on Diet Pepsi, it is mere fantasy. I usually just acquiesce with barely a shrug, mainly because my dependence on the carbonated beverage far outweighs trivial matters of brand-name association when thirsty comes to shove. Aaron, my inner Wild Bill Kelso remains tamed. (Sorry, Piper. Although this admission could itself be just another lie. How can we really know…?)


3) Number three is 90% true. The photo is false—I used to image of some poor British kid who was obviously exploited in a similar way that ended up getting on the Internet. And there were no dust-ups between me and my unfeeling, unthinking, tomato-tossing public. But these pictures below (likewise now unleashed for the World Wide Web to see) are a grim testament to the truth of my own holiday humiliation.



4) 100% true. Here’s a shot of Blaaagh (right) outside the administration building on the steps up which Bluto, D-Day and Flounder led the ill-fated horse. Standing with him are fine friend PSaga (middle) and her paramour, Scott (left).


5) 99.9% true. Only the Berengeresque inspiration is false. The picture below, from the French documentary To Be and to Have, gives a clue as to my true inspiration.


6) 100% true. Thanks to Dr. Savaard for making my entire weekend with your e-mail—you ended my quest by getting me in touch with Shocking Videos, where God’s Angry Man can indeed by had, and for a pittance. It made me very happy to know a distinguished, resilient and underappreciated man of medicine like yourself has been looking in on the humble business going on here. By the way, here’s a picture of the beautiful downtown movie palace where Dr. Gene Scott used to set up shop.



7) The only part of this that is true is that I used to work at an AM radio station in Grants Pass, and occasionally I would have to play “Heaven on the Seventh Floor.” The rest is all, as Sal would have it, a blatant Laddification. I did, however, once play Nicholas' "Cousin Kevin" from the Tommy soundtrack, and within minutes the station manager landed on me like Oliver Reed dropped from a great height.

8) I don’t really long to swagger like Mackey, or Willis, but I do wish I looked as good as they do with a chrome dome. I ain’t exactly Tor Johnson, and I do look better bald, but ain’t no way I carry it off like these gentlemen.

All right, I’m going to bed. Professor Irwin Corey’s Greatest Hits coming this week, and you know what that means… The summer quiz is just around the bend. Stay tuned.