THINGS THIS ONE GIRL SITTING NEAR ME IN A MOVIE THEATER SAID OUT LOUD WHEN ONE OF THE CHARACTERS WAS SHOWN PULLING INTO A GAS STATION by Conley Wouters“Oh, he’s going to stop for gas.”
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CINEMATIC EXPRESSIONS OF INNER SELF-LOATHING IF THERE WERE NO MIRRORS TO SMASH by Ross Murray
Junkie jazz singer sees self in back of spoon; uses telekinetic powers to bend it until it snaps in two.
Actress who clawed her way to the top catches reflection in pond; uses nearby backhoe to drain pond.
Woman who married for wealth rather than love looks at photo on driver’s license; goes to DMV to ask for new photo.
Politician who has forsaken his grassroots values discovers potato in shapes of own head; mashes it.
Burned-out rock star looks down at himself during out-of-body experience; refuses to go back into body “until we start seeing some changes around here, mister.”
Aging supermodel has plaster cast made of face; backs over it in SUV.
Alcoholic author looks at reflection in a tumbler of Scotch; drinks Scotch; pours another to see if he looks any better in this one.
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REJECTED BOND GIRLS by Rebecca Waits
Chlamydia Johnson
Pussy Notsomuch
Gloria Abortion
Incestua
Plenty O’Hep
Jenny Arthritis
S’phyllis
Star Jones
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IF YOSEMITE SAM’S CURSES WERE CONSIDERED REAL PROFANITY AND WERE DUBBED OVER FOR TELEVISION IN THE SAME CLUMSY, UNCONVINCING MANNER AS 1980s R-RATED MOVIES by Martin Bell
Original Version: Get outta there, you rassa-frassin’ fur-bearin’ critter!Censored Version: Get outta there, you wrestle-freezing, forebearing creature!
Original: Ya no-account, bushwhackin’ barracuda!
Censored: Ya NorCal, tush-spankin’ barracuda!
Original: Great horny toads! I done dug myself clean to Chinee!
Censored: Great happy toads! I done dug myself clean to—Is this Asia?
Original: Cut the cards. Not that way, you idjit!
Censored: Cut the cards. Not that way, you widget!
Original: Now, you racka-frackin’ carrot-chewin’ varmint, get a-goin’!
Censored: Now, ya really freaky, parrot-screwin’ charmer, get a-goin’!
Recensored: Now, ya rack of funky, garrote-spewin’ varnish, get a-goin!
Original: Listen here, galoot! I’m the rootinest, tootinest outlaw in this here West!
Censored: Listen here! Salud! I’m the fresh ‘n’ fruitiest outlaw in this here West!
Original: If they make me jump off that diving board one more motherfuckin’ time, I swear to God—How many takes could they possibly need?!
Censored: Oooooooh! I hates rabbits!
Censored: Consarn it!
Censored: Daaaaaaayum!
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This NorCal, tush-spankin’ barracuda appreciated this post.
ReplyDeleteI hope McSweeney's stays afloat. I depend on the place for my pirate supplies.
Great happy toads!
ReplyDeleteI was hoping you'd check in on this one, Brian! I thought of you all the way through Yosemite Sam's buffed-up tirades! And doesn't the name Friz Freleng sound like it'd have to be cleaned up too? Freeze Freeload, perhaps?
nice shots
ReplyDeletepretty girls
sexy looks
awsome